Looking at shapes or colors or even a rock on the ground as a loner I see meaning in all patterned seams. Wondering allows one to dream. It is said that it is okay to talk to yourself as long as you don’t talk back. I talk back. Enjoying my own company has become a thing. With so many emotions, I like the ones I understand. The ones I bring.
In a complicated world, I like my own scene. Leaving no excuses to blame me when another demeans. I too am wrong when I choose to burn another with steam, but don’t blame me for another’s CHOICE to be mean. A try for accountability one time for the team. If you have to open mail addressed to me, then you are probably the one causing everyone’s boat to sink. Outsiders look for problems simply because my talents sing. I won’t apologize because someone believes that my talents are too good for me. The Most High deemed fit for a soul like mine to beam.
Reading stories about the old days like Abraham and Sarah, Joseph, Isaac, Moses make me feel like somehow I am missing out on the greatest part of living in the earth. Exploring is not the same as it was when exploration was a normal part of living. Now things seem to be so limited as these ceilings.
There is a different feeling when sleeping being able to feel the natural breeze the earth is dealing. Living in what is simple like caves making the night skies easily revealing. With wood and fire burning giving you and yours the feeling of love, survival, unleashing the natural parts of life that deep down are healing. Constantly forgiving myself for not being born during the times when life required living.
Now mankind are still born but with each year becoming more distant to the earth and natural connections to it are vastly peeling. Other species are still living in the ways that are fulfilling. It is possible to make a life like how it used to be, if I owned some land, I would be willing. To at least try to access what feels like a missing piece of thrilling. Connections like Abraham had when he would sit up looking at the sky wondering with an uninfluenced mind about who is the Most High, having moments of not thinking about what the next person is concealing. Just in his own vibe, surviving, meditating and chilling.
There is nothing more exciting than ‘distractions from the last problem’ beginning. Life is always so hard so the feeling of beginning means that something hard is taking a back seat or ending. While knowing that life is a cycle I know that the joy of a fresh start only last through the finishing of the last reminiscing. It still feels good which why I like to run from my problems like a quick high when I hide from the last high diminishing.
It is my addiction to escape even if it is just me walking away from problems even assets to obtain the peace of mind I need I won’t look back for what is worth relinquishing. Call me selfish but who am I supposed to be, when its been me, only me, on my own through it all. How could I then be open to fake love bickering?
All I know is that I try to do right but there is only so much one-sided love I could give before I replace love with simply respect given. No hard feelings, I won’t hurt you, but the need to please because of the love I have in my heart slowly starts extinguishing. Having my back has to be more than just continuing. Good intentions from the good intentioned should be shown and not left to distinguishing. Opinions from one villain about the next are just empty words tinkering. That’s why I don’t care anymore about opinions from outsiders because at the end of the day the love is fake and if taken seriously, hindering.
